burned out firechild

why do i even bother. i’m supposed to write a 2-3 page essay on "my understanding of mythology" in MLA format for an online writing gig. my 4th attempt. the first three, i had applied for eagerly, but ditched the "test" articles once they got assigned. i tried really hard to do them. pero ang hirap mehn. the first one had me choose from topics like electric wheelchairs, mortgage and loans, and 100 other boring topics no one wants to write about…. then for this other one i had 12 hours to write three 500 word articles on back-to-school tips for gradeschoolers, downloading mp3’s (which I was supposed to be a genius at), and some other bullshit topic i can’t remember… the 3rd one looked legit enough, but required me to identify a common moral theme in shakespeare’s hamlet: prince of denmark and oscar wilde’s the importance of being earnest… eh potah ni isa sa dalawang yun hindi ko pa napapanood let alone nabasa… siyempre i only read about the assignment 12 hours after it was posted so that left me with half a day to research and write…

now on my 4th attempt, i really thought that i would pull this off. i got the assignment friday and the deadline was monday and ayun, mythology chorva lang… so ano na pam, lunes ng gabi na, ala pang essay… shit. malapit nang magTuesday, nagba-blog ka pa, 3 paragraph pa lang ng bullshit nasusulat mo. ano tong nagku-quote ka pa ng joseph campbell nung kabataan mo (read: college days) eh di mo naman magamit sa mga pagkakataong kailangan mo ito… ano ba pam, why delude yourself into thinking you can write by doing a blog post where you easily dump words like diluted shit (at nagmemetaphor ka pa?!) i hate myself… paano ko na lang bubuhayin ang anak ko kung napakatamad ko at bobo at inefficient at– hay naku nagse-self flagellate nanaman ako… aarrgh.

sana pwede na lang akong kumita ng dollars sa langkwenta kong blog na to

sana pag tumaya ako sa lotto bukas ng umaga, manalo ako

mga 19 million

shit

ang hirap mag- ghost write

pwede bang ghost na lang weheheheheheh (ayan na i’m losing it)

This is it. My real life QBR. In a month’s time. I will need to make 38grand monthly through freelance work-at-home jobs.

I’d like to think I can do this. But I also know I’m being TOO positive.

Pareho tayo Rye, I think I need one of these…

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/search.do?lid=more_info_PANBUT&productCode=PANBUT

pero sana yung kasya dito….

http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/wo/0.RSLID?mco=D7A5C097&nclm=iBook

wehehe sarap mangarap… haaay…

I need to get rid of my writer’s block ASAP. I have no choice. So here I am, polluting cyberspace with senseless faltering words.

38grand is no joke.

• rent… 12,500 (brand new white walled 2 bedroom condo with access to a swimming pool, daycare center and playground. 3 minutes to the MRT by tricycle)
• Declan’s therapy … 6,000
• cable internet…1,800 (Destiny is the only ISP available at the condo, PLDT myDSL sucks anyway)
• cable tv… 500
• phone…720
• electricity…2,500 (although w/ an AC, i doubt it will stay this way)
• water… 500
• groceries… 5,000 (if the Doctor decides to put Declan on a GFCF diet, this might bloat)
• maid/yaya…2,500
• extra money… 5,000 (commuting, emergencies, haircuts, pasyal, and savings)

And I haven’t even told my mom yet. Facing her is worse than facing 10 VPs and the CEO. Worse than a thesis defense with all your teachers since prep.

Gawd. I have never been so scared in my life. The contract at the condo is one year. I don’t know if I will be able to afford it.

Worse. I don’t know if it will pay-off. Will Declan get better? Will all this help me make him better?

Is June too soon?  Of course it is. But if i decide to stay for another month, another quarter, will it be too late? Declan is turning 5 in eight months. Still unable to speak, feed himself, mimic other people’s actions.

I just wish I could speak to someone who is undergoing something similar to what I’m going through. I’m tired of receiving polite empathy from friends who don’t know shit (and possibly, deep down, don’t give a shit) about this situation I’m in.

This is a statement you usually hear from supposedly angst ridden teens with too much time on their hands. I’d never thought I’d be saying this at age 27, but it’s true… I have never felt so alone.

%(*%&)(*^kljfsdghp grrrrr! ang haba na ng natype ko with hyperlinks pa tapos nag gateway timeout at nawala lahat nang di ko nasesave! i hate friendster blogs!!!  uulitin ko na lang muna s word siguro. aaarrrgggghhhh! kainis!

I’m back. And I’m so very tired. I haven’t had a decent uninterrupted 6 hour sleep since feb 5. I’ve soooo many things to tell you about. I don’t know where to start… I’ve so many things to do as well… nothing’s really changed… but maybe the 10 days of isolation and extremely cold weather has left me a little quieter than usual

Hay ang hirap mag-type! Hindi pa rin ako sanay sa keyboard. Sa pinas na ako mag-uupdate ng mas detalyado. Namimiss ko nang mag-tagalog.  Pangalawang araw ko na dito sa clermont at bagamat napakasarap manuod ng mga short film ay naduduling na ako sa dami nila. I`ve been watching an average of 5 programs a day. Each program is 2 hours so parang 10 hours of films ang pinapanood ko ng isang araw. Actually na-realize ko na kaya palang manood isang 10 hour film ang kahit na sinong tao, hindi lang mga fans ni lav diaz. So heto, blog blog muna para hindi ako maumay.

Nakakatuwa ang mga pranses kahit papaano. Lahat ng screenings blockbuster. 10 minutes before some programs di na nagpapapasok dahil di na kasya sa mga theaters. At dapat mega pila ka at least 30 minutes before. To think na puro short films ang palabas mula sa mga bansang banyaga na di nila kilala or alam kung anung ieexpect nila. May separate screen (big enough to fit 2 lines of text) para ssa subtitles kaya ok ang sizing. Lahat ng shorts pinapalakpakan at the end.

Bad news lang may tama ang material ko na sobrang jarring. eawan ko ba, na-preview ko naman at maayos sya dati. Ang nakakainis pa dito, blood bank lang ang may tama so far sa lahat ng shorts na napanood ko. Nakakahiya.

Di ko na napost lahat ng posters ko. Wala nang space. Di ko rin napamigay lahat ng postcards ko kasi ampapanget ng pagka print at kulang sa info. Grrr.

Ise-save ko na sa mas mahabang blog entry ang dilemma ko sa snow. Basta isa siyang nakakabwisit na bagay. Or naiinis lang ako sa katangahan ko dahil hindi waterproof ang mga dala kong sapatos.
Pero like what i said, saka na lang ako mag-rarant.

Contrary to what most may think, wala talagang nitelife dito. 1:30am pa lang, last order na. Siguro kasi lunchtime pa lang tumitira na ng wine o beer ang mga utaw kaya hindi na "gimik" ang pagpapakalasing hanggang madaling araw.

Next blog entry na rin ang aking tragic na pagligaw ko sa maginaw na lugar na ito. Ideally 5-10 minute walk lang mula sa main venue pabalik ng hotel. Pero dahil napakatanga ko sa directions at wala akong visio-spatial skills, nawala ako at more than 1 hour na paikot ikot. Hindi masaya maglakad sa yelo ng isang oras (kaya siguro galit ako sa snow)…. Hindi naman ako nahihiya magtanong, pero parang eksena sa Lost in Translation ang drama…. Buti na lang, may dumating na "anghel". Yung tipong anghel sa City of Angels o Wings of Desire with the ubiquitous black trench coat? Yung tipong fair haired, clean shaven, clean cut at… next blog entry na lang yung whole kwento… Basta ang masasabi ko lang, siya pa lang sa lahat pranses na naencounter ko, women included, ang mabango… kaya feeling ko hindi siya totoo.

o siya, nagugutom na ako. miss ko na ang sinangag sa umaga. ayoko nang makakita ng bruschette, croissant at jam at butter.

ang dami kong reklamo. alam ko dapat maging greatful ako na nakaranas ako ng ganito. ito siguro ang price for seeing people read your entry sa catalog,people from various nations applauding and lining up to see your film, seeing the screenplay you wrote translated into french. small price nga naman. ano ba yung mawalan ka na ng sensation sa paa at mamanas at maging lit***eral na light blue ang iyong talampakan at daliri sa paa.

bukas uli.

OA na sa pagka-haggard! I totally relate to my virtual pet Hamstr– constantly running, going nowhere. This is worse than Blood Bank’s preprod. Bad vibes. Buti na lang I have friends who I still can hassle because really, natatanga ako about this. They never teach you this in film workshops or film schools: post-post prod. Which is like marketing your film, taking care of screenings, entering it to festivals abroad, promotional stuff, and f*ckn travel requirements. Thank goodness there’s John & Meyor & Lowi for help with the dvd repros, Chard for the postcard design, Grasya (the hottest momma these days who’s first film "Dead Letter" is in competition at this Singapore Filmfest! Congrats girl!) for the poster printing, and Chits (who is too cool and too busy to friendster) for all that information on travel insurance, etc… I have actually spent more on visa and travel insurance fees, dubbing, shipping, etc than I had actually spent

I still have a million things to do. But I opted to write here which is what I do when I find myself drowning in the things more in need of my immediate attention.

24 hours from now I will be boarding a plane to AMS then to CDG then to CFE. No blog entries till the week of Feb 6….

And I have nothing to wear!

Where in this city can you get a decent looking, dark and monotone colored, size 8 or smaller winter coat? COAT ha, hindi jacket– I’ve seen the horrid comforters-with-sleeves in Surplus Shop— I actually bought the smallest one I saw yesterday out of desperation. Ukay is not an option. I don’t have the time to have it laundered and I don’t have time to brave cubao, carriedo, etc…

And I had even planned on going to a spa ang getting a hair treatment before my trip. Well so much for that.

I have to shut up now and organize. Gawd sana matapos na ito.. sana wala akong makalimutan… sana hindi ako mawala sa airport… sana hindi ako magka-std— ooops! that was a joke. really. joke.joke. joke.

Au revoir lurkers!

argh! i am beginning to want to give up on this life.

too much noise. too many tasks to do, events to attend, people to meet. too much chores and errands and responsibilities. too many distractions. too much work. too much effort.

all i want this year is to help declan be be ready for SPED, and to make my film. correction. WRITE my film.

i will get this f*ckin trip over with and then i will simplify…

things i want to do by june 2006:

1. quit 8 hour day job (and find small writing, transcription, vo rackets that will only require a maximum of 4 hours of my time)

2. get a one-room apartment with white floors, white walls, and furnish it with white things only)

3. change sim

4. delete all accounts with online communities including blog

5. forget all festivals, contests, screenings, get-togethers, concerts

F*ck. still too many steps. still too many tasks. still too many words…

The acronym of the year is "EOF". End of Friendship.

I wonder how you can be so tired of "explaining yourself" to everyone else except to very people involved. After 11 years, I guess you believe we don’t even deserve that.

We (or is it just I, because really, I don’t know the entire story) will forever be content with the scraps of truth you scatter, breadcrumbs of your side of the story you dish out to you other "friends". I’m bad at jigsaw puzzles. Also I’m not as intelligent, analytical, perceptive, emphatic or psychic as you are. I will just file this experience away along with the big bang theory and Bermuda triangle phenomenon and other unexplained mysteries of the universe.

I’ve been dumped by boylets and that is something I can easily handle… I have never been dumped by a friend, a best friend. I didn’t even think something like that could be possible. Friends just drift apart, lose contact, outgrow each other. Nothing deliberate. Unless they become enemies. Which I’d like to believe we are not.

But if you feel so good about cutting us/me out of your life, if the quality of your existence will greatly improve with us/me out of the picture, then I will be all for it. Never have I intended to cause you harm. I would like you to have whatever it is that will make you happy.

Moonchild, I hope your life IS better now.

Yes. She has served me well. Was there during the times that I felt so low. Was the soundtrack to boring cab rides, bus rides, waiting at the bank, waiting for people, waiting for sleep to take over. In the end I would sell her for Linny (see 2 posts back). I couldn’t help it. Linny was an upgrade I opted to have instead of a 2GB ipod Nano. 30GB, sleek, black, lightweight, option for photo and video and data storage, full color lcd, made by Apple. Almost free. Almost because the upgrade cost will be covered by the money I got get from (sigh) letting go of Wavey.

Good thing is she’s now in Nina’s hands. A trusted friend who will not ruin her by uploading her with emo, screamo, nu metal, nu goth, and all that aural garbage on commercial radio (ok that’s enough I sound like a poser music writer imposing her skewed musical tastes). I will miss you, faulty backlight, tendencies to hang, scratched body, and all…