burned out firechild

i wanted to resign with my quota hit for the second time. and i just found out it’s not gonna happen, so f**k that. i just hope my last paycheck gets in by june 30, otherwise it’s a strict mineral water only diet for me and declan till the end of next month (complete with candlelit surroundings and hand powered fanning para zero meralco bill). i will be a teacher for the first semester of academic year 2006– hopefully if i pass the actual teaching demo without looking like a student delivering a class report (i don’t even know what CCD stands for sheesh)…. i want to make a kick-ass demo reel if i haven’t totally pissed editor-of-the-universe shiney for not returning her borrowed cam on time… i want to do another short project so my reel doesn’t only have black and white pa-horror effect bullshit to show… i plan to get declan and myself shorter hair-dos by next weekend— if i can make up my mind on what i want my alambre-like hair to look like… i want to learn how to bake things, but i gotta have the cash to buy things to bake…

my plan was to be a semi-hermit but you can’t be a semi-hermit if you have to bug people all the time with questions, favors, and personal opinions on stupid things like whether you save more money buying a 1000 peso electric oven or a 9000 peso gas oven with stove burners.

i’m supposed to be writing goodbye letters to my customers but i really don’t give a shit about them and what happens to their accounts, so i write in this blog instead… sure beats loittering in YouTube and wading through a marsh of crappy-ass videos to find something genuinely funny or at least something enjoyable to watch

i want to write something worthwhile, at least something worth reading, but i just can’t.

i used to write about the things i ate, the things i listen to, the things that happened to me, the people i met. now i just write about the things i want to happen, the way i’m feeling. not that it’s much of a difference. who actually is interested in what i had for lunch or breakfast, or if this restaurant has good food?

(stops typing. stares blankly at the screen)

ok. i’m done. nothing else to write about. i miss nina. she’s out there enjoying the fresh air in the boondocks of sagada with her bebe, while i’m stuck here, no one to talk to, skin getting oilier and oilier, not that looking forward to ciggy breaks.

tagal ng june

why do i even bother. i’m supposed to write a 2-3 page essay on "my understanding of mythology" in MLA format for an online writing gig. my 4th attempt. the first three, i had applied for eagerly, but ditched the "test" articles once they got assigned. i tried really hard to do them. pero ang hirap mehn. the first one had me choose from topics like electric wheelchairs, mortgage and loans, and 100 other boring topics no one wants to write about…. then for this other one i had 12 hours to write three 500 word articles on back-to-school tips for gradeschoolers, downloading mp3’s (which I was supposed to be a genius at), and some other bullshit topic i can’t remember… the 3rd one looked legit enough, but required me to identify a common moral theme in shakespeare’s hamlet: prince of denmark and oscar wilde’s the importance of being earnest… eh potah ni isa sa dalawang yun hindi ko pa napapanood let alone nabasa… siyempre i only read about the assignment 12 hours after it was posted so that left me with half a day to research and write…

now on my 4th attempt, i really thought that i would pull this off. i got the assignment friday and the deadline was monday and ayun, mythology chorva lang… so ano na pam, lunes ng gabi na, ala pang essay… shit. malapit nang magTuesday, nagba-blog ka pa, 3 paragraph pa lang ng bullshit nasusulat mo. ano tong nagku-quote ka pa ng joseph campbell nung kabataan mo (read: college days) eh di mo naman magamit sa mga pagkakataong kailangan mo ito… ano ba pam, why delude yourself into thinking you can write by doing a blog post where you easily dump words like diluted shit (at nagmemetaphor ka pa?!) i hate myself… paano ko na lang bubuhayin ang anak ko kung napakatamad ko at bobo at inefficient at– hay naku nagse-self flagellate nanaman ako… aarrgh.

sana pwede na lang akong kumita ng dollars sa langkwenta kong blog na to

sana pag tumaya ako sa lotto bukas ng umaga, manalo ako

mga 19 million

shit

ang hirap mag- ghost write

pwede bang ghost na lang weheheheheheh (ayan na i’m losing it)