burned out firechild

This is it. My real life QBR. In a month’s time. I will need to make 38grand monthly through freelance work-at-home jobs.

I’d like to think I can do this. But I also know I’m being TOO positive.

Pareho tayo Rye, I think I need one of these…

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/search.do?lid=more_info_PANBUT&productCode=PANBUT

pero sana yung kasya dito….

http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/wo/0.RSLID?mco=D7A5C097&nclm=iBook

wehehe sarap mangarap… haaay…

I need to get rid of my writer’s block ASAP. I have no choice. So here I am, polluting cyberspace with senseless faltering words.

38grand is no joke.

• rent… 12,500 (brand new white walled 2 bedroom condo with access to a swimming pool, daycare center and playground. 3 minutes to the MRT by tricycle)
• Declan’s therapy … 6,000
• cable internet…1,800 (Destiny is the only ISP available at the condo, PLDT myDSL sucks anyway)
• cable tv… 500
• phone…720
• electricity…2,500 (although w/ an AC, i doubt it will stay this way)
• water… 500
• groceries… 5,000 (if the Doctor decides to put Declan on a GFCF diet, this might bloat)
• maid/yaya…2,500
• extra money… 5,000 (commuting, emergencies, haircuts, pasyal, and savings)

And I haven’t even told my mom yet. Facing her is worse than facing 10 VPs and the CEO. Worse than a thesis defense with all your teachers since prep.

Gawd. I have never been so scared in my life. The contract at the condo is one year. I don’t know if I will be able to afford it.

Worse. I don’t know if it will pay-off. Will Declan get better? Will all this help me make him better?

Is June too soon?  Of course it is. But if i decide to stay for another month, another quarter, will it be too late? Declan is turning 5 in eight months. Still unable to speak, feed himself, mimic other people’s actions.

I just wish I could speak to someone who is undergoing something similar to what I’m going through. I’m tired of receiving polite empathy from friends who don’t know shit (and possibly, deep down, don’t give a shit) about this situation I’m in.

This is a statement you usually hear from supposedly angst ridden teens with too much time on their hands. I’d never thought I’d be saying this at age 27, but it’s true… I have never felt so alone.