snappy
strangely i feel there is something very wrong with my life… too many unexplained guilt feelings… too much sweet food… too much coffee… i don’t know… i want to see a shrink… because i need to be told if i am teetering on the brink of some mental or emotional illness… or if it’s just in my head…
or it is just a physical condition brought about by lack of sleep or sex or romantic love or protein or calcium or Vitamin D, or sunlight, or oxygen– clean oxygen… i feel (again that word) that there is something wrong and i don’t know what it is… maybe there is just too much noise, too much useless information, too fast internet speeds, too much disk space…
a vacation i guess would do good… "a little peace and quiet" … but being alone is even more depressing… having the time to plan futures, reshape pasts, or drown out the present with good books, good music, good food…
now i have the luxury to not listen to music i don’t like (no more fm radio, i just skip the lousy mp3 tracks), not read things i don’t want to (i love leaving school if only for the absence of required readings and related literature) or watch things i don’t want (yes gourmet food shows are the only things i want to watch on tv) or eat things i don’t want (i will eat fishballs and instant noodles because i crave for it and not because i only have 7 pesos in my wallet)…
but then arises another problem… not knowing what i want (and as per GI Joe, knowing is half the battle)… i hug declan and that does not make me feel better (sadly it used to before)… he now has huge ugly feet, matted sweat-smelly hair and would rather play outside than to snuggle up to mommy… and he doesn’t say it because he can’t talk… i’m thinking is it because of that … yes in italics because i need not explain that to people close to me… doesn’t even deserve a hyperlink… i should be attending these conferences and talks on autism instead of these see-and-be-seen film fests and openings that only serve as venues of self gratification for thick headed pricks who call themselves cinephiles or filmmakers or (blech!) indie…
there i go again… guilt feelings… and it never ends.. i hate it… i hate wanting so many things… i hate hating myself for wanting them… another thing i hate is procrastinating… particularly blogwriting to delay the inevitable under the excuse of self expression…
pakshet ba’t ba ko ganito inarticulate.. bihira na nga sumulat, wala pang sense… taglish pa ampotah… damn…eto na… malapit na kong mag-snap….
September 13th, 2005 at 8:43 pm
haha! pam, believe me YOU ARE NOT INARTICULATE. in any case, how much are you willing to pay for a shrink? available ako. i’m willing to be your shrink for a minimal fee.
hey, i am not mocking your depression. in fact, i can relate. sometimes, that’s all we need. people who can relate and who will listen. a shrink is the last thing you need. do not waste good money to pay people to listen and psycho-analyze you and tell you what to do. but if you’ve got lots of money to spare, libre mo na lang ako ng beer and we’ll have a heart to heart girl talk. it might prove more satisfying.:) cheer up! - that’s coming from a person who’s perpetually depressed. ang ironic ba? hehe…
September 21st, 2005 at 1:00 am
Can I join Shine in that beer drinking session? I love you already! You love Shipping News and American Gods and Midnight’s Children. We’re probably connected somehow. Because i’m hopelessly sad these days, too! (well, as i speak…baka happy ka na ngayon)