strangely i feel there is something very wrong with my life… too many unexplained guilt feelings… too much sweet food… too much coffee… i don’t know… i want to see a shrink… because i need to be told if i am teetering on the brink of some mental or emotional illness… or if it’s just in my head…
or it is just a physical condition brought about by lack of sleep or sex or romantic love or protein or calcium or Vitamin D, or sunlight, or oxygen– clean oxygen… i feel (again that word) that there is something wrong and i don’t know what it is… maybe there is just too much noise, too much useless information, too fast internet speeds, too much disk space…
a vacation i guess would do good… "a little peace and quiet" … but being alone is even more depressing… having the time to plan futures, reshape pasts, or drown out the present with good books, good music, good food…
now i have the luxury to not listen to music i don’t like (no more fm radio, i just skip the lousy mp3 tracks), not read things i don’t want to (i love leaving school if only for the absence of required readings and related literature) or watch things i don’t want (yes gourmet food shows are the only things i want to watch on tv) or eat things i don’t want (i will eat fishballs and instant noodles because i crave for it and not because i only have 7 pesos in my wallet)…
but then arises another problem… not knowing what i want (and as per GI Joe, knowing is half the battle)… i hug declan and that does not make me feel better (sadly it used to before)… he now has huge ugly feet, matted sweat-smelly hair and would rather play outside than to snuggle up to mommy… and he doesn’t say it because he can’t talk… i’m thinking is it because of that … yes in italics because i need not explain that to people close to me… doesn’t even deserve a hyperlink… i should be attending these conferences and talks on autism instead of these see-and-be-seen film fests and openings that only serve as venues of self gratification for thick headed pricks who call themselves cinephiles or filmmakers or (blech!) indie…
there i go again… guilt feelings… and it never ends.. i hate it… i hate wanting so many things… i hate hating myself for wanting them… another thing i hate is procrastinating… particularly blogwriting to delay the inevitable under the excuse of self expression…
pakshet ba’t ba ko ganito inarticulate.. bihira na nga sumulat, wala pang sense… taglish pa ampotah… damn…eto na… malapit na kong mag-snap….