burned out firechild

Todo na natin tong moving out…

Farewell Friendster. Hello Blogspot.

I know I should be doing several things related to Declan’s therapy which is the main purpose of my moving out– like looking for a nearby school getting him in this special school in Makati that specializes in ABA, allotting an hour per day at least for replicating the OT & SP exercises he does in his current school, buying him educational toys, etc… But I just can’t.

Not won’t. Can’t.

I’m still my old self, lurking and wasting webspace with unnecessary words… but now, I think I’m actually happy…

I’m itching to get a hold of a guitar, planning on rearranging my (and Chet’s) archaic songs, trying to recall the lost lyrics I never bothered to encode somewhere…and toying around with Fursey’s Garage Band software

I have these scenes for my .hum story running in my head (inspired after reading David Linklater’s interview on his film adaptation of A Scanner Darkly)

I’m trying to reacquaint myself with my shelved aswang/changeling outline (na pinapangarap kong maging first full length weh..)– after seeing Kris Aquino’s Sukob trailer while watching Deal or No Deal (guilty pleasure)

i’m trying to figure out what to cook with the aging sayote, cabbage, monggo, chicken thighs, togue, and oyster mushrooms in my fridge (and i still can’t get over the fact that it’s MY fridge)

I’m also somehow worrying if the st. scho girls appreciated the Eros shorts I showed them earlier today, if I was too harsh by threating to mark them absent till they join the egroups submit their requirements..

and I’m still in a daze sipping strawberry wine and marveling at my tab curtains, my cheap bleached furniture, my white square ceramic plates, my queensize mattress with overpriced white sheets and pillows… MY things, not my mom’s, MINE! bwahahahaha!

of course the TV is a relic with rabbit ear antennas and no dvd/ video input and a defective cathode ray tube giving us the experience of having poor eyesight—but who cares?!!

so sue me for being grand arrogant show-off… sa wednesday na ako kakayod at babalik sa realidad… right now, i’m too busy being happy (weh!)

bliss….

I’ve finally moved out after weeks of ranting and waiting. These things take some time to launch but its all worth it in the end.
Also, I’m typing this entry without a mouse kasi gamit ko na talaga full time si Fursey, yihee.. Also pag feel naming mag=swimming sa hapon, tawid lang kami sa next cluster. at wala masyado gumagamit so solo namin ni declan ang pool. orayt!

rage…
this will be a short entry because after more than a year of high speed internet, I am back to dial-up. Why? Dahil sa pukinanginangpakshetlecheng SMART BRO!! Argh! The worst service provider. Worst Customer service. Mega award. Hanggang ngayon wala pang installation. Whenever I call the stupid agents laging system updrade (down ang system) and they always tell me to call back after a fuckin hour. hindi ko na kinaya. so balik dial up na muna. kesa wala. up to now i’m still waiting for the installation. kung hindi lang 7 working days before i get my money back, kinancel ko na application ko. Grrr. i’m so furious. umiyak na ko sa phone sa galit. minura ko na yung agent. minimum wage siguro mga agent na yun kaya ang inefficianet. I should get an award for most irate caller. wehe

fear…
wala pa yung cheque ko sa oracle. wala na akong mga raket. yung interview ko for another teaching post di ko sinipot, shet. pano na to…

the last thing i need is a cold. o god i do not want to be sick. cannot afford to. ah shit i can’t stop sneezing… i can’t even afford generic ascorbic acid and kleenex… toilet paper na lang… shit i hate this. arrgh!

***

inventory ng mga di natupad na pangarap:

dark blue shaggy rug

pepper mill

complete spice rack

bonsai plants

electric can opener

oven (waahh!!)

knockdown cabinet with built in full length mirror

white Jap lanterns covering my flourescents ( i have the lanterns, di ko lang makabit and i can’t afford to pay anyone to do it)

flat/semi flat tv (tv na lang ng nanay ko na nabubulok na )

washing machine with spin dryer

all-white bahay

So deadma na to this kababawan wishlist. Ang objective ay maka-move out. So make-do na lang tayo. Sanay naman tayo sa low budget (or no budget). Naiinis lang ako kasi may budget naman, kay tagal nga lang. But it’s ok, forced savings. there are more important things to spend on.

Ang tanging natupad lang ay fresh green granny apples in a stainless wire basket sitting daintily on my bleached wood table (actually fake wood sya). So keri na rin.

***

I just realized that I hate teaching. Gusto ko nang mag-quit. Mistake talaga ito. Sana lalake na lang ito na pwede mong sabihan ng "it’s just not working". but no. i have to wait it out till the end of the sem before i’m free. hay.

***

While sorting out the stuff I’m gonna bring to the new place, I just realized… lahat ng pambahay kong clothes, may butas. As in. All of them. Holes, frayed hems, garters showing, rattiness defined. Will not be sold in any ukay for 10 pesos per kilo.  I haven’t bought shorts or any sort of house clothes since my first sweldo in etel. and that was like 2003? 3 years ago?! Si Declan din, 70% of his clothes were bought ages ago. Argh. Another shopping day required…. Yes these are the most comfortable clothes on the planet but no, Declan and I cannot be seen at the new place looking like a professional beggars. Yes naghihirap na kami, but we don’t need to look the part.

***

I also realized that I hate shopping. I hate watching my my very few bills of money go in the cash registers. I hate the stupid SM salespeople. I hate the crowds of people who have more money to spend. I hate the cab drivers you need to deal with when its time to go home. I hate the impossibly long queues at the cashier, at the taxi stand. Argh.

****

Okay enough of this nega-ness. I have to be more positive. As old friend Lance put it: "Pohstive, pohsitive, pohsitive, POHSITIVE!"

(DO NOT READ: Thisisjustmerantingwhenishouldbewritingthishasnosenseandisrealynobody’sbusiness)

I am so tired and so broke. I am an inefficient lying bastard who cannot keep her deadlines. who cannot keep her deadlines because she is has zero writing talent who instead of researches, would rather answer pointless surveys and write in her blog… one cannot go freelance if one is tamad… one cannot write if there is the distration of internet and one cannot write without the on demand information that internet brings. ito ang bago kong paradox. why am i like this? gusto kong tadyakan sarili ko

I am three years old again, anxious and happy and scared to death. Tomorrow is my first day at school… though not to be taught, but rather, to teach…

Though I have no idea what I’m getting into, unsure about how it’s supposed to be done, incurably bad at math without a clue on how grades are come up with… I am ready.

I am ready to be mimicked and ridiculed for my ill posture, my poor sense of fashion, my plebeian mannersims. I am ready to make grammatical errors, pronounce words wrongly, get mental blocks in the middle of lectures, forget the the correct names and terms for things pertaining to the subject matter. I am ready to be stumped when asked intelligent and stupid questions, to admit ignorance when caught faking my way through a topic. I am ready to be ignored, to have students sleep while I am speaking, to get blank stares when I deliver my wittiest joke. I am ready to watch the worst films ever made because they were made under my tutelage.

Now the question is, are they ready for me? Bwahahahahhaha…. er ok… not funny

You Are Strength

You represent both fiery energy and steadfast will. You are innocent and naive - yet unafraid and undaunted. Perhaps you don’t have the most powerful physical strength… But your mental powers make up for any amount of muscle. Your fortune: Lately, you have been a pillar of ethics and moral strength. And while things may be difficult, your faith in yourself will come through. You may need to conquer the animalistic nature of yourself or others, with gentle force. Although this may seem like the darkest hour for you, victory is near.

http://www.blogthings.com/whattarotcardareyouquiz

nothing’s changed. I woke at 2am to write and all I did was check and reply to email, lurk blogs and take these moronic quizzes… asan ang "strength" ng will power??

some realizations after a three-cheese afternoon…

Some bars serve "Long Island Cokes". In my 13 years of drinking I had always thought a Long Island was iced-tea based… I’m not sure kung mangmang lang ako o tanga lang ang management ng Krockodile Grill where the waiter told me that I had to "specify" if I wanted my Long Island with iced tea. I’m thinking the latter because there are no "K"’s in "crocodile" yet they spell their establishment’s name with it, probably thinking it cute.

Forgetting can be a conscious act according to Shiney "love is a verb" Whiney

The French still make the weirdest films

It is a normal feat for men to spot a girl in a mini-skirt 100 meters away and amidst a crowd of roughly 150 people– as demonstrated by Hulyo"dark mush"Jose

I have no ability to defend the merits and greatness of my favourite band (Camera Obscura) and author (Margaret Atwood). I’m thinking that they really aren’t that great. It’s just that I relate to them. Like friends. One doesn’t befriend someone just because of that person’s high level of talent, fame, chorva chorva… (although some do it, with covert personal agendas of course)… sometimes your friends are really f**kd up, crazy, depressed, psychotic, boring, disgusting, chorva , but you are friends anyway… So there. If music were people, Camera Obscura’s would be my best bud. Parang ganun. Wa na explain. Plus points na lang if you get their sound, cause that’s one key to understanding the real me. Odivah?

I have a scarcity of gay people in my life right now. That is probably why I’ve had two haircuts in less than two weeks and also why i’m a Bryanboy lurker.

corrections:

– I did hit my quota. A whopping 177% when two major deals came to a close. Yehey! Here’s looking forward to a hefty comission in July (best case) or August (worst case hopefully) despite being neck-deep in debt this June.

– The whole admission of moving out to my mom went quite well actually. Naturally we had these really impossible fights, but now she oversees furnishing of the apartment. She actually cannot help it, being the OC Libra that she is. She just has to do it, even if it kills her. No different from keeping a shabu addict from meth.

– i will forego my baking fantasies for now. I have no more money to buy even an electric oven. If any of you lurkers would want to give me one wehehehe…

– it’s not a housewife i want to become. kept woman pala. i want to wake up and plan my breakfast, lunch, and dinner based on what I want to eat, not what my partner/husband wants. Not that this will be a problem, klaro ko lang ha. Kasi wala namang husband/partner nor sugardaddy na poproblemahin. Addict lang ako sa mga hypothetical scenarios.

– hindi ako "writer".  i just have a talent for delluding myself and my clients into thinking that I am. bwahahahaha… (tanga ko rin no. there goes all my rackets…)

– June na! But things are not necessarily better. I decided to quit my job and move out so I will have more time for things that "matter". Now I find myself drowning in a deluge of things that "matter". The right refrigerator, the right wattage of the lightbulbs, writing hack paragraphs on uninteresting subjects, permits for the electrician, carpenter… These little irritants have now become things that "matter" as they are necessary for my (and Declan’s ) survival. It seems a long time before I can rid myself off them.

– It’s not a lover I need, but a genie. Not "i love you" but "yes my queen, your wish is my command"

****

i just thought about some of those things written above after talking with the Cheeses last night.

Shineywhiney: Gusto ko rin ng crush, hanapan nyo ako ng crush

Me: Sige bigyan kita ng crush, pero hanapan mo ako ng illicit affair

Shineywhiney: Sige!

Hulyojose: (Shakes his head with a look that says "What did I ever do to deserve to be friends with two single whining bitches?")

i wanted to resign with my quota hit for the second time. and i just found out it’s not gonna happen, so f**k that. i just hope my last paycheck gets in by june 30, otherwise it’s a strict mineral water only diet for me and declan till the end of next month (complete with candlelit surroundings and hand powered fanning para zero meralco bill). i will be a teacher for the first semester of academic year 2006– hopefully if i pass the actual teaching demo without looking like a student delivering a class report (i don’t even know what CCD stands for sheesh)…. i want to make a kick-ass demo reel if i haven’t totally pissed editor-of-the-universe shiney for not returning her borrowed cam on time… i want to do another short project so my reel doesn’t only have black and white pa-horror effect bullshit to show… i plan to get declan and myself shorter hair-dos by next weekend— if i can make up my mind on what i want my alambre-like hair to look like… i want to learn how to bake things, but i gotta have the cash to buy things to bake…

my plan was to be a semi-hermit but you can’t be a semi-hermit if you have to bug people all the time with questions, favors, and personal opinions on stupid things like whether you save more money buying a 1000 peso electric oven or a 9000 peso gas oven with stove burners.

i’m supposed to be writing goodbye letters to my customers but i really don’t give a shit about them and what happens to their accounts, so i write in this blog instead… sure beats loittering in YouTube and wading through a marsh of crappy-ass videos to find something genuinely funny or at least something enjoyable to watch

i want to write something worthwhile, at least something worth reading, but i just can’t.

i used to write about the things i ate, the things i listen to, the things that happened to me, the people i met. now i just write about the things i want to happen, the way i’m feeling. not that it’s much of a difference. who actually is interested in what i had for lunch or breakfast, or if this restaurant has good food?

(stops typing. stares blankly at the screen)

ok. i’m done. nothing else to write about. i miss nina. she’s out there enjoying the fresh air in the boondocks of sagada with her bebe, while i’m stuck here, no one to talk to, skin getting oilier and oilier, not that looking forward to ciggy breaks.

tagal ng june